❝ She's the queen of all I've seen ❞

About the day I broke my own heart

I don’t know if I’ll ever send you this. I don’t know if I’m strong enough. I hope I’m. The first thing I want you to know is that I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

I can’t do this anymore. I need to stop pretending you don’t have a girlfriend. I need to stop trying to convince myself I can be someone’s “in between”, because I can’t. I deserve better than that. I deserve 100%. 

You made your choice (the right one) and now is time for me to make mine.

The worst part is that I believed in it, you know?

I believed you would come and see me. We would meet at the beach, but we wouldn’t see the sea for days. I was looking forward for you driving me crazy in the morning singing silly songs with my name in it, but now I don’t. I don’t believe in that anymore and that is what hurts the most.

I don’t think I told you I was there last week and all I could think of was how perfect it would be if we go there together. The apartment is great, the weather it’s amazing and the city is lovely. My friend also said I could have the keys whatever I want.

What we have is from another world and that’s why I’m so scared you’ll cut me off your life, but I can’t stay either. I was ready to fight for you, to make whatever this is work, but I wasn’t expecting you would enter a serious relationship. I can’t say goodbye to you every weekend. I hate I can’t talk with you for days. It’s not the idea you’re having sex with someone that bothers me, is knowing it’s not only sex. 

Is everything I wanted and can’t have. 

But I want you to be happy, I really do. 

You deserve happiness, success, lots of sleep and someone who can calm me you down when you’re having mood swings. 

I hope I’ll hear from you from time to time, just to know if the nightmares stopped and you realized how amazing dogs are. 

I regret none of the words and things I have given and done for you, they are yours. I’ll think of you constantly, frequently then intermittently, occasionally, but it will never be not at all. 

I can never hate you, but I have been hurting, and I can’t keep getting build up over you and falling apart, so I have to take care of myself now, okay? You take care of yourself too.

Please don’t be a stranger. Please. You’re the best thing that happened to me in a long time (maybe in my lifetime even) and I want you to know I’ll always be here for you. 

But now I need some time because I think I love you, but I hope I’m wrong. 

I’m going to miss you like crazy tho (that’s why I decide I’m keeping Robin if you don’t mind).

P.s: the playlists are truly amazing and I’ll probably be in the mood for them for sometime, thank you.

Sobre ter alguém que te cuida sempre, mesmo que de longe.

Amizade a distância é sobre conhecer alguém apenas através das palavras. É sentir saudade mesmo sem conhecer o cheiro, querer bem mesmo sem nunca ter sentido o toque. É desejar toda a felicidade do mundo a alguém que você nunca teve a chance de ter por perto.

E é verdadeiro. Sei disso porque eu sinto todas essas coisas por uma pessoa que ta a um oceano de distância de mim. Alguém por quem eu tenho um carinho maior do que por qualquer outro do meu dia-a-dia.

Eu não ligo pra aniversários, mas todos os anos as felicitações dela são as únicas pelas quais eu espero, porque eu sei que são de coração. Ela realmente me deseja todo amor, felicidade, sucesso e paz que há no mundo.

Quando eu quis fazer intercâmbio na Europa ela foi lá e pesquisou as minhas chances como alguém que ta lá dentro, já quando eu tive dúvidas sobre manter ou não um relacionamento a distância ela foi a única que disse o que eu precisava ouvir e que prometeu estar sempre ao meu lado, não importa que decisão eu tomasse. Ela ta sempre disposta a me escutar, não importa quão longa ou chata seja a história. E a confiar em mim, mesmo sem poder me olhar nos olhos.

Ela é a minha melhor amiga e o abraço dela é o que eu mais espero e mais anseio.

Ela ta lá em Portugal, mas ta aqui também. Ta comigo todos os dias, independente do que qualquer um diga, porque eu a amo e não há distância que mude isso.

E hoje eu só queria agradecer. Agradecer por ter a melhor amiga que eu poderia ter encontrado tão longe de casa, por ser alguém que apesar da distância sempre cuida de mim.

Te “estranho” e te amo. De todo o coração.

He knows I do.

When the sun goes down…

13 years has passed and not a day goes by without me thinking of you, wishing you were here. 

My biggest fear was someday I would wake up and had forgot your face or the sound of your voice, but after all these years I don’t think that will happen. I still remember everything about you. From the scar on your upper lip to your favorite song. Another day I was out and she played, I swear it was like you are there with me the whole time and it was amazing. 

I miss you so much, but I know I’m also so luck to have meet you. 

You always will be my favorite person in this world. Thanks for all the love.

If you were still alive, there would be one less tattoo adorning my body

It doesn’t matter that it’s been years since you’ve passed away. It doesn’t matter that half of the people that are now in my life have never even met you. I still think about you all the time. I still wish you were here. After all, everything would be so different if you were still alive.

Of course, when I say “everything,” I don’t actually mean everything. Chances are, I’d still be living under the same roof and working the same job. I’d still be dating the same guy and taking care of the same dog. Only little things would change, but the little things mean the most.

If you were still alive, I wouldn’t have to push the happy memories away, because they’re too painful to replay in my head. I’d just think of them and smile, and then pick up the phone to give you a call.If you were still alive, I’d have one more person to introduce my boyfriend to. One more person to embarrass me with awkward stories about my childhood. One more person to welcome him into our fucked up family.

If you were still alive, then there would be one more voice cheering over the fireworks on New Years Eve. One more voice yelling at the soccer game and one more voice singing along to whatever bullshit song popped on the radio.

If you were still alive, there would be one less tattoo adorning my body. One less date that made me burst into tears every single year. Your birthday would be the only date that reminded me of you, and we’d have a hell of a good time celebrating.

If you were still alive, there’d be one more person for me to call whenever I needed a designated driver. One more person to scream at me for acting like an irresponsible kid. One more person to make me feel like I’d be missed if anything ever happened to me.

If you were still alive, there would be one more invitation to send out for my graduation. One more person to dance with when Sweet Child O’ Mine flooded through the speakers. One more person to tear up and tell me how happy they are for me and my new hubby.

If you were still alive, I’d have one more person to show around my new apartment. One more person to dog-sit for me during weeklong vacations. One more person to tell me that they’re proud of everything I’ve become.

If you were still alive, I wouldn’t have to talk to you through thoughts or through my dreams. I could send you a text or write you a letter or just show up on your front step in the middle of the goddamn night, and you’d be happy to listen.

If you were still alive, I wouldn’t have pushed certain people away. I wouldn’t be as pessimistic and cold as I am now. I wouldn’t be so terrified of losing someone again, someone I care about as much as you.

But if you were still alive, I might not have realized that the whole “live each day like it’s your last” mindset is legit. That I need to treasure every moment while I still can and tell my family I love them as much as possible.

As much as I miss you, I’m thankful for what you taught me while you were here, and what you’re continuing to teach me now that you’re gone.